You Belong Among the Wildflowers

Oh Sebastian,

If only I had been better at keeping track of the way you have grown. I wish I could have gotten on video the first time you rolled over onto your belly and screamed for help because you didn't want to be there and didn't know how to get back. I wish I could have recorded all your smiles, but that would take a lot of film because you spend a lot of time smiling, usually at yourself. I wish you still shook your head when people asked you questions. But, you seem to have learned too many new things to remember that trick. I wish you still wanted to sleep in my arms or even next to me in my bed. Everyday you need me less and I am trying to be okay with that.

Today though, I do want to tell you that I love your free spirit. Even if don't always like it. I'm impressed by your ability to resist sleep until the last minute. When you finally give up and close those little eyes its like you are saying, "this is what I wanted all along, but I needed to wait until you didn't want it so bad." I'm baffled by the way you can get your hands on everything NOT intended for babies to chew on. Today you scaled the shoe basket and triumphantly found a flip flop just waiting to be devoured. I stopped you, of course, because I can only let you do so many self-destructive activities at this point in your life. You find every cord, pair of glasses and remote in sight and each and every item gets your seal of slobbery approval. Just now you crawled up to my criss-crossed leg and chomped your two (and only) bottom teeth right into my knee. If you could talk I imagine you would say something like, "oh, that's what those do" or "Mom, are you paying attention to me?". So I picked you up and you showed me those two tiny teeth inside a big stinker bug grin and you didn't need to be able to say any words for me to know that you were proud of yourself. I'm excited for a time when every meal doesn't also need to be accompanied by a bath. Because when you eat you eat with your whole body. You squish avocado and peach in your hands and slam your hands down on your little high chair tray. You rub it through your hair and in your eyes, you even lift up your bib and rub your belly (which makes the purpose of the bib completely useless, thankyouverymuch). I think you get a little in your mouth, so there is that. I think you are learning how to eat on your own, which is a good skill to have. I think you are the best thing in the world, even if you have managed to take mine today and completely turn it upside-down. I really don't get why you beg at my feet to be fed and then when I finally oblige you take a few sips and then pull away, only to come back 5 minutes later insisting that you are indeed hungry and why am I not feeding you.

Then, finally you do eat for longer than a minute. You settle into my arms and kick your legs in my face and slowly you calm down. The kicks get slower and lower. Your breaths are calm and your eyes are focused. You eyelids droop and get heavier with each blink as your belly fills with milk until suddenly, they are too heavy to open again.

But do you want to know the craziest part? I miss you when you go to sleep. Because no matter how crazy you make my life, no matter how many days I spend in my pajamas until 3pm, no matter how many times I've pulled crusted Cheerios off my pants, you give me purpose. Sometimes in the chaos and sleepless nights I forget that. But then you go to sleep in my arms and you sigh a big sigh of relief (and so do I) and then I remember, you are the most meaningful part of my day.

So just keep on keeping on, my free spirited Sebby Seb.

xoxo,
Mom